Breakups & Healing

It's sooo common. 

Someone comes into your life and lights you up like never before, emotionally and sexually. It feels so deeply right, so good, so transformational you could never have imagined it. It feels as if your love is meant to be.

But then, either she ends it -- sometimes suddenly -- or else it just becomes so painfully hard that you just can't do it any more.

And then the aftermath is excruciating. Like, soul-reshaping pain. Like even I-don't-know-how-to-live pain. 

And yet along with the pain, you still have a new self. The part of you that got awakened doesn't easily go back to sleep. 

So what do you do with your newfound awakening, once she's gone?

Maybe she was your first woman lover. Or maybe you've been with women for a long time, but she was different. Either way, you can't go "home" again. You can't un-know what you now know -- both from the connection with her, and from its ending.

You have no choice but to recreate yourself.

I know that journey all too well from my own life.

But here's what people don't often talk about. When you woke up erotically with her, you contacted your own erotic power. And part of the searing pain of the loss is the idea that now you can't have access to that part of yourself any more. But that's not true. What's yours is yours, with or without her. 

So, surprisingly enough, Eros is part of the remedy for healing, too. 

Sometimes we know this instinctively and get online too fast, searching for another person with whom to experience erotic opening and/or comfort. But there are a few likely problems with this approach. One, you might compare each new person to your lost love, and none of them will pass muster. Two, if you do let someone new in, you may just set yourself up for another heartbreak on the heels of the first (because you won't exactly be in a great position to discern who's good for you, when you're shattered.) Three, you may end up hurting the new person. 

So does that mean you can't use the power of the erotic for healing? No! You still can. You can use it by furthering your erotic and romantic awakening process, in safe, conscious ways. And you can make new friends, expand your community, and get mentorship in the process -- from someone who has actually been there and created roadmaps to help you find your way.