— Wise Dating

I hear it over and over: most lesbians and queer women don't know how to date. 

That initial getting-to-know-someone phase is so awkward. It feels so much better to either Just Say No -- if you're just not feeling it -- or else Just Say Yes, slide down the greased chute of chemistry, and find yourself in an instant relationship. 

Sometimes chemistry is physical, but sometimes it feels deeply emotional, even spiritual. There's just something about her that draws you so deeply -- and it feels so right.

Until it doesn't. 

"I don't date any more," a woman named Jenny told me recently, with tears in her eyes. "It's gotten to the point where I know that if I'm attracted to someone, she's going to be bad for me." 

I salute Jenny for not following that famous definition of insanity, Do the same thing over and over again while hoping for a different outcome. 

But the mistake Jenny is making is assuming that means she has to stay single forever. So many women hold this belief, and it leads to so much frustration and loneliness!

Don't get me wrong -- like most women, I too am powerfully swayed by instant chemistry. I'm not proud of it, but it's true: when I meet someone, something inside me says either "Yes" or "No" within the first 5 seconds.

It might be her smile, her dimples, the way she tilts her head, the sound of her voice. Or, it might be how she uses words, her intelligence, or that mysterious yet so-important-to-me thing, her energy. 

Know what I'm talking about? I either feel instantly drawn to someone, or I don't. And if I don't, there's no point in going forward, right?

Women friend-zone each other all the time for exactly this reason. "She's great, but I just don't feel the spark."

The heart has its reasons about which reason knows nothing, right? A guy named Pascal said that in the 17th century, and many of us let that kind of thinking dominate our love lives, keep us single or keep us boarding trains to heartbreak over and over. 

But it turns out it's not really the heart that's involved. It's pheremones and unconscious programming. And it often leads us astray.

And yet dating or getting involved with someone wouldn't be any fun without chemistry, right? So what's the alternative?

Actually, research and my personal experience both show that there is one, and it's much better news than you think! 

One of my longest and healthiest relationships was with someone with whom I felt an instant No.

It took a while, but that No changed to a beautiful relationship filled with incredible chemistry, great sex, sweet love, and deep bonding. 

I also had an off-the-charts sexual relationship with someone I would never have looked twice at on a dating site. How we got together is another story :)

On the other hand, two of my hardest relationships have been with women with whom I felt an instant Yes.

Maybe you've had this kind of experience too? I got hooked on them. And I was so strongly drawn to them that I was incredibly highly motivated to make the relationship work -- too highly motivated, as it turned out, because it led me to ignore huge red flags, over and over again. 

There is a better way!

Smart-for-your-heart lesbian dating is often counter-intuitive. It's not what our biology or our culture tells us to do -- and that's why things go so badly, so much of the time.

Although info about how to date wisely and well is scarce in our community, and you definitely weren't born knowing it (nor did you learn it in school), the good news is:

You Can Learn It Now. 

And now is the time, since there's finally light at the end of the pandemic tunnel!