Breakups & Healing

The evidence is clear from relationship research: one of the top reasons people give for ending their relationships is, "I felt criticized."
 

Now, if you've been following Conscious Girlfriend for any length of time, you know that we find the #1 cause of lesbian breakups is what we call "attachment stuff," the technical term for push-pull dynamics in which one person wants more closeness, while the other person needs more space. This is solvable too, and we've got a 3-part class on the solutions.

But to be honest, resolving attachment differences is more complex than stopping criticism cycles, so right now, I'm going to focus on low-hanging fruit.

Let's look at why criticism is such a problem -- and how to build the muscle to do something different. 

Think for a minute: do you like being criticized? Ever? And, does feeling criticized by someone ever help you feel closer to them? 

OK, guessing that you've answered No to all of the above, then ask yourself: have you ever said critical-seeming things to a girlfriend or partner? If we're being honest, all of us have -- and some of us do it a lot. 

Common reasons people give for criticizing include: 

1. "I'm concerned about her, so I need to criticize her, in order for her to make positive changes like... fill in the blanks, e.g. losing weight, saving more money, standing up for herself, taking better care of herself." 
 

2. "I'm upset with her, so I need to criticize her so she'll hear me and change." 
 

3. "I don't mean to criticize her, but the words just flew out of my mouth. Later on, I apologize. I wish she could just be less sensitive."
 

4. "I don't think what I said was really critical. She just heard it that way. I wish she could be less sensitive." 
 

5. "My parents were critical of me, so I guess for me, criticizing is kind of a way of showing love. 

If you recognize yourself in any of the above, please don't criticize yourself about it! That'll just feed the cycle! 

Here's the thing. Criticism erodes connections like battery acid. So if you don't want to be throwing battery acid at your relationships with others, or, for that matter, with yourself, you need to stop criticizing.  

Now let's take a look at why these "reasons to criticize" won't actually get you where you want to be. 

1. Yes, of course, she could make changes that might be good for her. That's true for everyone. But, criticizing won't help that happen. Or, even if in the short term it seems to produce results, in the long term it will cause distance and resentment. 

2. If you're upset with her, it's understandable that you say something critical. But the problem is, it will never, ever work to make your relationship stronger. That's why Conscious Girlfriend teaches powerful tools like clean speech and listening, and our unique 5-step SCORE process for working with your triggers -- so that you don't have to alienate the person you love. In the Lesbian Dating, Love & Connection Skill-building Lab, every Tuesday night, a class included for free in membership with the Academy, we practice these skills. There are far, far better ways of getting your needs met. 
 

3. Yes, of course, the words fly out of your mouth when you're upset or triggered. That's true for many of us (and the rest of us just tend to clam up and go silent in those situations.) Either way, the solution lies in taking empowered steps to work with your own triggers. That's what the SCORE process is all about. 

4. Now, what if your partner IS overly sensitive, so she hears criticism even when you don't think you're criticizing? Chances are that this extra sensitivity has a good cause. She's probably been really wounded in the past. This is why, in Conscious Girlfriend, we teach people how to listen cleanly as well as speak cleanly. Once the two of you are able to get onto the same healthy communication page, her "hearing" will improve. As will yours :)

5. Yes, so many of us were raised with critical parents. And so many of us criticize ourselves harshly. Criticism may feel as if it lives in your bone marrow... and it's even more harmful that way. It was harmful in your childhood, it's harmful in your 24/7 relationship (you know the one that can never, ever end? The relationship with yourself!) And it's harmful in your relationships with others, too.

(By the way, many relationship researchers assert that there is no such thing as "constructive criticism." There are many healthy and effective ways to express your needs, but no form of criticism is among them.)